Widowhood is like a club that nobody wants to join. All over the world, thousands of members mill around, mostly unknown to each other. They are all ages, from teens to the elderly. Would you believe that some are pregnant? Some have great-grandchildren; others have no children at all. They are from all professions: doctors, teachers, nurses, scientists, mothers, homemakers, farmers, secretaries, artists, writers, cooks, bakers, business owners, airplane pilots, seamstresses… They are of every religion and race in the world; every country. No two are alike.
I daresay that if you put two widows into the same room, each as different from the other as could be, as soon as they found out the other woman was a widow—there would be a connection, a spark, an understanding. It might be as fleeting as the flare of a flint, but the truth remains: no one can understand a widow like another widow.
Subconsciously we know many things about one another that don’t make sense to those who haven’t been there:
· Her loss is deeper than words can explain.
· She has a history that the new people in her life will never truly understand.
· She feels like a piece of her is missing.
· She wants a place to belong.
· Not everyone dies peacefully in their sleep; she might have seen some very hard things.
· Courage, strength, secrets, and love are locked inside of her.
When I first meet readers of this magazine, they often tell me, “I feel as if we are friends already;” or we will happen to look each other in the eye, and touch our hands to our hearts. No words are necessary—we’re connected.
I’m grateful, too, for the readers who come from beyond widowhood and find a bit of solace here, yet I’m sorry that the shadow of grief seeped into their world. Their sorrow and loneliness is also profound. The old saying, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle,” is a good one to follow.
Amongst many widows, though, is that unspoken bond and understanding. They know they can learn from each other about the steps to take on the widows’ path. It’s like the widows up ahead can call back to the ones behind them, “Sharp corner!” Or, “Big pothole ahead! Don’t get hurt!”
A widow friend in New York told me that a lady from her church, whom she did not know very well, invited her out to lunch one day. The lady tenderly talked, let this widow vent, and then she prayed for the widow and paid for the entire lunch. She also gave out her phone number and said, “Call anytime; I will be praying for you.” It turned out that she was a remarried widow, but another widow had treated her to lunch the same way when she first “joined the club.” My friend now does the same for new widows that she meets. My friend said, “The best part was she did not talk about her own season of grief in widowhood until I had unloaded. She made it all about me.”
A widow friend in Texas had this unusual experience: “At my husband’s funeral a dear lady came up to me, introduced herself and stuck beside me the entire time. I was so grateful for that simple gesture. I was so lost and didn’t know what I was supposed to do, how to feel, or what was expected of me. But she had buried one husband, and she knew exactly what I was feeling. We quickly became what I call “sister friends.” We spent many, many hours together thereafter. She gave me “permission” to feel however I needed to feel. She is still a treasured friend.”
“A friend of mine in our neighborhood lost her husband,” a widow in California told me. “As a widow myself, we talk and laugh about all the things that go along with the death of a husband. She knows I get it—really get it. I think widows have a huge opportunity to reach out to new widows to be a light; we can show that they will get through this. I’ve also asked her to walk with me around the neighborhood for fresh air, a little exercise and some company that we both need.”
A widow friend in Ohio, who I met through my blog on the Internet, gave a lot of credit to having a co-worker who was also widowed. They supported each other a lot, she told me. When one saw that the other was overwhelmed and needed some fresh air, the words "Let's take a walk," got them out of the office together for a quick break. She and her co-worker coined a phrase—“Swiss cheese brain”—which meant “widow fog”—when your brain is clogged up with grief and stress and you can’t think straight. They pictured all their thoughts running out through holes in their heads like holes in Swiss cheese. One would say “Swiss cheese brain!” as a funny code word for needing help. Together they’d then figure out the problem.
Four years into her journey, Mary Ann Zook (name used with permission) wanted to help other widows by hosting a Valentine dinner at her Java Blend Café in her small town of Rural Retreat, VA. Widows had become her best of friends during those years, and she wrote the following on her blog at the time:
“Common grounds connect people like nothing else will. We can talk and laugh and cry and understand each other like none other. We have conversations that I would never tell the world we had! We are a safe place to share our gut feelings, our worst fears and our dumbest ‘widow actions.’ We tell stories about ourselves that only a widow would understand…We hate doing life without our best friend, but we are determined to have a good life; so we ask God for courage, and we brave our new adventures,” she concluded.
Welcome to the club no one really wants to join. But once you settle in and meet the members, it’s far different than ever imagined. The friendships of widows helping widows can be the most wonderful friendships of all.
Until next month,
ferree
To learn more about widowhood, order a copy of “Postcards from the Widows’ Path – Gleaning Hope and Purpose from the Book of Ruth.” It’s a gentle, biblical guide for widows that has many saying, “This is the best I’ve ever read!”
Love this, Feree! The "club" you formed literally saved my life! I don't think I could have survived - and I certainly would not have thrived as I have - had I not stumbled upon your "boats"! Truly God uses you! Thank you for your obedience!