When Connection is More Important Than Correction

Words by Mark Gregston.

This month marks the second anniversary of my dad’s death. At 96 years of age, he passed, not knowing who any of us were—much like he was during most of our lives. So, while it’s sad to not have him present, it’s also sad to think about the time we didn’t have together because of the distance that he placed in his relationships with us.

When I see the good relationships I have with my son and son-in-law, it triggers a tearful reminder of what I didn’t have with my own dad. It’s a loss that has played a significant role in my life; that loss of not having the warmth of a personal relationship with someone who brought me into this world.

In my early pre-teen years, his harsh discipline with a belt taught me what to do if I was to survive in my family. When I became a teen, his severe and mean style of correction was to retreat from the relationship and usher in a silent treatment that would sometimes last months. The intensity of punishment in the pre-teen years, coupled with his deafening silence, communicated his lack of desire to have any type of relationship with us.

My dad was one of those hard-working men that believed that correction was far more important than any connection with me, who really longed for that relationship. My thoughts and ensuing actions displayed that I would have that need met elsewhere. For those that know me, you might understand why my wife and I connected relationally at age 15 out of a need to have an important relationship in each of our lives.

I’ve lived with over 3,100 teens at our Heartlight residential counseling center through the years and am convinced that every young person I have met longs to be connected rather than always being corrected.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a believer in rules for every home and in consequences for inappropriate behavior. Those rules let a teen know the difference between right and wrong, appropriate and inappropriate, and what is expected. And I embrace the need for a parent’s influence, giving direction when needed. But as a child reaches the teen years, the practice of correction needs to steadily decrease to make room for an opportunity of connection with parents to increase.

I know this is true. If I spend all my time parenting my teen, telling them what to do different, how to do it better, and what they’re doing wrong, there would be no time left in the day to make that connection that is so desperately wanted and needed. For, it is this connection that will have a greater influence on their lives in the days ahead. Matter of fact, if a parent doesn’t shift their focus from correcting to connecting, the relationship will fail to develop, and trouble will usually follow.

If indeed, we were all created for relationship (family, parents, teens), then the absence of relationship within a family forces a teen to go elsewhere for their connections with people. That desire for connection is paramount in the hierarchy of needs for teens, for it is in the connection that relationship is formed with parents and provides an atmosphere that allows for change as a teen grows through their adolescent years.

My message to parents? Spend more time connecting during the teen years, and less time correcting, because that connection can change the destiny of your child’s life. Here’s what is produced when connection happens.

Wisdom and Perspective is Shared

I haven’t met many parents who wish that their pre-teen would continue to act and think in their childish ways as they enter their adolescent years. And I’ve never met a teen that doesn’t soak up wisdom like a sponge when presented in a way that is to their benefit. The connection point allows a parent to share their wisdom, their perspective, and the stories gathered throughout their life. Teens long to be a part of those type of discussions.

Once a bridge of communication is developed, a teen’s curiosity about life in their future years will come alive and they’ll be “all ears” to soak up this transfer of one life to another. A parent must walk across that bridge and leave much of the correction behind, while intentionally pursuing the connection that awaits on the other side.

Value is Transferred

This connection is a portal that gives parents an opportunity to let a child know they are valued. Not for what they can accomplish, how they can perform, or meet certain expectations. But valued because of who they are, and who they will become.

A teen has a cunning way of thinking that every time they are corrected, that it is a jab or “cut” to who they are. No one really enjoys being corrected when that correction conveys a sense that they aren’t good enough or are incapable of fulfilling someone’s expectations. Yet, when the focus is making a connection, a teen feels that they are valuable enough for someone to invest their time.

I encourage parents to constantly convey a message that, “There’s nothing you can do to make me love you more; there’s nothing you can do to make me love you less.” This statement to your teens comes alive when you back up your words with a commitment to be connected and offer a part of yourself that they’ve never been a part of.

Purpose is Given

Your teens are trying to figure out who they are, and what they want to do. It’s all a part of adolescence. I don’t know about you, but I find that I want to be a part of those contemplative discussions and sometimes exhaustive trails of thought that seem to go nowhere. I want them to “deal me in” to the discussion, to invite me to the table, and include me, because they know of my desire to help them find their purpose.

Over-correcting in the teen years pushes them away. Attempts of connecting draws them to you and they’ll ask those sometimes-awkward questions, because they know they aren’t going to be belittled for asking.

Direction and Guidance

Never has there been a time when teens have been so bombarded with challenges, opportunities, and different perspectives than in today’s sometimes confusing adolescent culture. And never has there been such a shortage of opportunities to find the wisdom needed to navigate these waters. If it’s not you, then who will it be?

Your lack of participation in wanting to connect with your teen only forces them to rely on other sources to gain their insight and understanding of where their life will take them. I find it a little humorous that many choose to remain in a correction mode with their teens when the longing is for connection, and then parents get upset about choices and decisions a child makes, when the opportunity to influence, to give direction and guidance, is right before them.

What parent, when a child asks for bread, gives them a stone? What parent, when a teen asks for connection, gives them more correction?

Love and the Warmth of a Relationship

We’re made for relationships. And what better place to experience those relationships than in a family that has teens? Teens want to be loved when they do right, and they want it more when they have done wrong. They long to laugh, joke, and be sarcastic within the safety of family relationships, and be able to share their opinion and thoughts without being shamed. They crave those one-on-one discussions with a parent who will listen for understanding, share with compassion, and create a safe place for a teen to share differing opinions. That’s a relationship worth connecting with.

Here’s a second “I know this to be true” statement. I know that these types of relationships are giving your teen a taste of the character of God. You are taking the principles that are stored up in your heart and fleshing them out with your teen as a living example of one that is sharing the Gospel, not with just words, but with actions that let a teen know they are loved, are valuable, are worth investing in, and have a family that thinks the world of them.

I often wonder how my life might have been different if my dad would have seen the importance of connection rather than his pursuit of correction.