The next seven or eight weeks can barrel down on widows and widowers like a runaway train. I’m talking about Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Day, plus any birthdays and anniversaries that pop up in between. You turn the calendar and there they are—all piled up. It can overwhelm many people, but especially if this is the first or second year of widowhood. Death never takes a holiday, so be especially sensitive to those who lost loved ones at this time of year. I’ve met widows whose husbands died unexpectedly on Christmas Eve! Imagine the children waking up that on Christmas morning. Holidays can be very hard.
Often the anticipation turns into worry, and the days before are worse than the holiday itself. Many grieving people dread the holidays so much they’d like to fall asleep before Thanksgiving and not wake up until January! But instead of wringing our hands and wishing these days away, purposefully facing them can help. With some forethought, you might be surprised and blessed with the precious moments and priceless memories they have in store.
Here are a few tips:
1. Find something familiar to look forward to. As you think about each holiday, of course, there will be that empty hole your spouse filled in some way; you will miss him or her very much. You cannot include him in your plans nor look forward to giving him a gift. It will sting. But take these disappointing truths into consideration and realize that you need to give yourself something to look forward to instead of longing for the past.
What are some things you’ve always enjoyed that didn’t directly involve your spouse? For example, are there certain dishes you liked to make (or liked to eat!) for the big meal? Did you enjoy playing games indoors, or doing something outside? Are there visits that you especially look forward to each year? Plan now so you can be sure those things will happen again this year.
2. On the other hand, if you feel that everything will remind you of your spouse and be too painful, then go the other direction and do something different. There’s no way this year will be the same anyway. Maybe this is the year to take a bus tour to Niagara Falls or somewhere else. An outgoing widow I knew from Canada loved bus tours and enjoyed several, even though she had congestive heart failure!
Also, consider going to someone else’s house instead of everyone coming to yours. Offer to help cook or bring something to eat, and I’m sure many people would be able to make room for you. If you and your spouse usually spent the holidays alone, let people know you’d like to visit with them. People usually think everyone else has invited the widow or widower over; they can’t read your mind, so don’t be afraid to let people know if you’d like to visit them.
3. Have an “escape” plan. Let’s face it—crying happens. You might be out visiting and suddenly have what I call a grief storm—where the emotions suddenly come out of nowhere and you break down and cry like a cloud when it rains. This is nothing to be ashamed of. It just means that you’re human and you loved someone and miss them. To make it a little less awkward, tell a trustworthy friend or relative ahead of time something like, “If I disappear for a few minutes, please don’t worry about me. I get these little crying spells and I might slip into the bedroom or take a little walk. I’ll be back shortly and I’ll be OK.” That way if anyone wonders about you, that person can explain and put everyone at ease.
If you feel like you absolutely must leave, before you do, think about what’s best for your children or other family and friends around you. Realize that these “grief storms” usually last less than 15 minutes. Get alone and cry it out, and then pray before you decide to go. Don’t be ruled by your emotions. Give yourself time to make a choice and then do what’s best for you. Tears are usually very cleansing, and you’ll probably be very glad you stayed.
4. What if you truly just want to be alone? I never recommend isolating yourself, but there are some times, and some people, who just need a day to themselves. (If you spend every day alone, you are isolating yourself and this tip is not for you—you need to start getting around people regularly instead).
If you think you need to be alone for a day, use it wisely. First, let yourself sleep as long as possible. You likely need the restoration of a good sleep. Eat healthy food like fresh fruits and vegetables, not just meat or sweets, and drink plenty of water. Line up some good reading. Spend time reading the Bible. Pray out loud so you don’t lose your thoughts. Then take on a pleasant project to accomplish that day. If it’s Thanksgiving Day, do something like addressing Christmas cards or assembling a gift box for Operation Christmas Child or other charities. If it’s Christmas Day or New Year’s, write thank you notes to people who’ve helped you through this year, work on a hobby—and again, eat right and sleep as much as possible.
It’s wise to see these days coming on the calendar. Give yourself something to look forward to, or if that’s too painful, try something different. Ready yourself with an “escape plan” in case you experience a grief storm. And if you really must be alone, make it a day of health and purpose.
God has not abandoned you. He loves you, holds you close, and can help you through these days.
♥ ferree