The Widow’s Path

One Day at a Time

One Day at a Time

It’s a new year, and I wish the very best to our world and to each of you. For some people, it’s just another day. For others, it’s a time to resolve to lose weight, exercise more, or finally complete a project. For people who are grieving, though, it can be a struggle.

The empty pages of a new calendar remind us of the empty space in our heart. Oh, how we wish those days and months could be filled with the presence of our loved one. Additionally, leaving the busyness of the holidays behind can make life feel rather flat and deflated. Cold weather and grey skies can add to the heaviness. Blah! How can we go on? Where do we even begin?

Remember that Jesus said, “…do not worry about tomorrow…” (Matthew 6:34). So don’t look ahead at the whole year full of tomorrows. Look only at today, this hour, this minute. Each day will move forward, and we can too. Grief is an expression of love. We don’t need to fight it. We can begin to acknowledge our grief and honor that love in the midst of daily living. The heaviness of loss begins to melt and become bearable as we grant ourselves permission to cry, and permission to live again.

LET YOURSELF CRY

This is hard! Loss of a spouse, child, or other loved one tops the charts for stress; we can’t help but react! We all hate to cry (and/or to sob uncontrollably, scream, faint, or collapse).

When we first hear the news, or if death happens right in front of us, it can be traumatic and harsh. It’s like our life is a bottle of soda pop that someone has grabbed and started shaking. Pressure builds up inside of us; it seems like emotions will explode at any moment! Crying is a God-given way we can release that pressure.

The ugly thing about crying is that it’s unpredictable. It can well up any time—even weeks, months, and years later. Random happenings like catching the smell of soap or shaving cream, opening a closet and seeing his old shoes, hearing a song, holding a newborn—these and many other things can open the floodgates. That’s because so much pressure is inside.

Like twisting the bottle top on the soda, crying releases that pressure. Find a place to have a cry and let it out. Turn that imaginary bottle top little by little. Not all at once! The crying spell probably won’t last as long as we fear it will. And after the next time, and the next time, and the next time—it will begin to diminish just like the soda pop loses its fizz.

What if you’ve gone without crying for a while, but suddenly have a gully-washer of tears? That is NOT a failure. It is NOT going backwards. It’s simply the nature of grief and love. Our memories are powerful tributes to love. Crying at any time is nothing to be ashamed of. (Even for strong, silent men!) If you don’t cry as much as other people, remember that’s OK. Don’t compare or feel guilty. Each of us is different. My point is that crying is not to be feared or squelched; it’s a way that pressure and stress are released.

LET YOURSELF LIVE

Each of us has a choice when our feet hit the floor every morning. Daily demands and chores, like crying, can either be dealt with or left to build up and fester. Last month I wrote about how grief can feel so out of control, like a free fall parachute jump from an airplane. Yet even when life is in chaos, we need to get dressed, feed the children, and get through the day. Those little duties don’t wait until we feel happy or competent to do them; it’s time to just do the best that we can.

A long-time widowed friend of mine explained how “success” for her was that the children had clean clothes to wear and a lunch to take to school. She wasn’t lazy, she was doing her best. And do you know what? With God’s help, she survived, her children survived, and they love each other. It’s possible for us all.

Sometimes we need rest. Grief is emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausting. Rest is essential. Schedule a doctor visit; clear a day to be alone if you need to catch up on some sleep; or plan a day to be with people if you are alone too much. If you cannot break a slump of hopelessness, seek some counsel, especially if you’ve experienced multiple losses, a suicide, or if you have nightmares or flashbacks.

Do the hard things, too.

Like most widows, I had to make some important estate and financial decisions when my first husband died. I was in such a fog! It took some deep concentration to get my shoes on the right feet, let alone sign important documents. The first time I drove to my lawyer’s office, I got lost! I thought I knew exactly where it was, but I sure didn’t recognize any of the streets or buildings. I had to turn around, go home, call them and reschedule.

On another day I had to go to the hospital where I had been told that my husband was dead. Stepping through the door felt like suffocation. Later on, seeing my daughters get married without their father to walk them down the aisle was a secret heart stab.

Other weddings, other funerals, baby showers, and all those intimate life events can be hard. But do we want to isolate, stay home and miss these once-in-a-lifetime events? No! They’re the essence of life, family, and community. Just go. Don’t rob yourself of such special times. Bring a box of tissues with you, just in case; the anticipation is usually the worst part. You might not even need a tissue once you get there.

Prepare to do the hard things by keeping up with the daily things. Allow for some crying, some getting lost, some embarrassment; survive on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches until you can do more. Take your life day by day. Take your days moment by moment. Take your moments breath by breath.

At the end of each day draw a big thick line through it on your calendar and thank the Lord. It’s done. God got you through. Time has moved forward, and in some small—or large—way, so have you. Winter won’t last forever, and neither will grief. You’ll never forget your loved one, but eventually deep joy will thaw the icy cold grip of sorrow.

Your friend for all seasons,

Ferree

To learn more about widowhood, order a copy of Postcards from the Widows’ Path—Gleaning Hope and Purpose from the Book of Ruth. It’s a gentle, biblical guide for widows that has many saying, “This is the best I’ve ever read!” Mail a check for $14.99/copy (paperback, 248 pgs.), along with your address to: Ferree Hardy, 76 Grace Ave., Ticonderoga, NY 12883. Please allow 2-3 weeks for delivery. Free shipping for all Plain Values readers!