The beginning of a new year is a great time to review your life and make changes and necessary updates. Will you join me and my husband, Tom, in our New Year’s resolution? We both want to be better prepared for widowhood than we were the first time. Even though it might not happen for another twenty years or more, we realize that it could happen today. In either case, we want to make our passing away a little less stressful for our family.
Tom and I are among the statistics: 3 out of 4 women will experience widowhood at least once during their lifetime; 1 in 4 men will be widowers. We’ve both experienced widowhood once, and one of us will experience it again. The one statistic that’s totally reliable is that 1 out of every 1 person will die. This year, as we prepare for that reality, perhaps some of our findings will help you prepare too.
This article will present three important areas: Relationships, Responsibilities, and Riches. Then I’ll summarize with some final points of Reality. Thinking ahead about these things will help you get your money’s worth when you consult with a lawyer, accountant, funeral home director, or financial advisor in the weeks to come. Interview two or more of these people and find someone you’re confident in. The decisions you’ll make with them can set the trajectory for your money to grow and be safeguarded—or not. The difference could cost hundreds and even thousands of your hard-earned dollars, so choose wisely.
Relationships
Family, friends, and your relationship with God, not material things, are your most treasured valuables. Live at peace with God and people. Mend the terms with siblings or parents that have separated you. Sit down with your spouse for a good talk about the future; discuss what to do if God calls one of you home this year.
When some people marry, they like to isolate themselves in their own little “love nest.” But such privacy creates further tragedy. It leaves the widowed spouse to navigate the lonely land of widowhood without the confidence or outside friendships he or she needs. Both husband and wife should have some solid, same-sex friends of their own in addition to the friendships they share as a couple.
There are other much-needed relationships too. Write out a list with the names, addresses, and phone numbers for doctors, dentists, veterinarians, banks, lawyers, etc., so that both spouses will easily know where to go for helpful services.
Responsibilities
Take responsibility for your future. How will you survive the loss of your spouse? Begin to find out what you need to know and what you need to do. For example, if you are the wife, will you need to find a job to replace your husband’s income? Begin to develop the business or artisan skills you need now. Are you familiar with the bill paying and the household budget so that you can take it over? Too many bank tellers have sad stories of widow ladies who come to them in tears because they don’t know how to write checks or balance their accounts. If you are the husband, can you cook yourself a meal, wash the clothes, stay in tune with the needs of the children, and get everyone going in the morning?
A very important responsibility is that the married couple comes to an agreement on how to handle their current finances together. Each should know how much money gets paid out every month, if there is any debt, and how much needs to be saved.
Make regular “deposits” into your memory “bank.” Memorize Scriptures, songs, and hymns, and build positive habits like exercise and healthy nutrition. Strengthen your mind and body for the years ahead instead of neglecting them. Both mind and body will be cherished assets.
Riches
Tom and I certainly wouldn’t say that we have riches, and you probably wouldn’t either. But instead of picturing a stack of gold coins or piles of hundred-dollar bills, let’s consider the word “choice” as our currency.
How many choices can you make today? Do you have more than one set of clothes to wear? More than one spoonful of food to put on a plate? More than one plate? If so, then compared to much of the world, you are indeed rich.
As a widowed person, you will be rich with choices. Too many choices at times! For example, what will you do with your loved one’s clothing or tools? Store them, give them away, sell them, or throw them out with the trash? Some decisions appeal to us much more than others, so these should be discussed ahead of time. More importantly, choices about money and property can change our life; therefore, a good financial plan is crucial.
Here are some basic questions to consider about riches:
Whose names are on your banking, investments, or retirement accounts?
When was the last time you checked deeds, titles, and financial accounts to ensure they were up-to-date in both names and beneficiaries?
How long will those funds last?
How will monthly bills be paid when the savings run out?
What does it take for the surviving spouse to feel comfortable and secure?
Also consider this: have you built up an emergency fund? General wisdom says to save at least six months of income to be used during crises. You might need more money to help with medical bills, a mortgage, or a business loan. Check with local funeral homes to see if they offer plans for pre-paid funeral expenses. English funerals can easily add up to $10,000 or more! My father planned for his funeral before he died, and this was a real help and blessing for us. Amish have the blessings of the community and traditions for their funerals.
If you have a will, make sure it is valid. Are you able to find the lawyer who wrote it? Is he or she still in practice? If not, who can answer your questions or make changes to the will? If you don’t have a will, perhaps now is the time to consider one.
Reality
You’ll need cash. Widowed people can’t just sit and grieve in a dark corner. They need to pay bills and provide for their ongoing needs. A term life insurance policy provided funds that helped me pay for the funeral and replace my first husband’s salary for a period of time. Not having to immediately look for a full-time job (or two) allowed me to remain a stay-at-home mom. Not everyone needs life insurance, but it helped me to keep our house and provide for our children.
You’ll need to know where to find stuff. Decide on a secure place to keep important papers and small valuables. Make sure that your spouse and at least one other person know where this place is and that they also have the extra keys, lock combinations, or passwords. Let family members know who that person is. Bank accounts, wills, and investments are useless if loved ones don’t know where to find them. By the way, sometimes accounts are simply forgotten about, and the money sits there for years. These are turned over to your state to be held until they’re claimed. Search by name and state at www.missingmoney.com for unclaimed funds.
You might need safeguards. Not everyone is sympathetic to widows and widowers, and some people are like vultures. You don’t need to live in fear, but don’t be naive, either. Be aware and mindful.
If anyone makes you uncomfortable or suspicious, pressures you into an investment, or offers a deal that sounds “too good to be true,” walk away and consult with people who know you well. Take your time—don’t let anyone impose a deadline on you. Don’t make irreversible decisions during the first year of widowhood. Planning ahead can provide a safeguard against selling property or remarrying too quickly.
Preparing for widowhood is a New Year’s resolution that needs more than a few hours to complete. We’ve barely touched upon some basics, and this information is not a substitute for legal, tax, or financial advice, but at least now you have a start. Keep learning, and seek professionals who can advise you regarding your specific situation.
When you make this resolution a reality, your surviving spouse and family will be thankful you did. Your preparation will leave them with a thoughtful, loving, and more secure legacy. Begin today by reading these pages together with your loved ones.
Until next month,
Ferree
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Ferree Hardy has helped thousands of widows through her book, “Postcards from the Widows’ Path,” small groups, speaking, and personal coaching, but touching one life at a time is what matters most to her. She holds a BA from Moody Bible Institute, and was a pastor’s wife in Ohio for over twenty years before her first husband died. She’s happily remarried now, and her readers know that moving seems to have become a hobby for her. But she also enjoys backyard chickens, aims to read fifty books a year, and loves to bake. Learn more by visiting her blog.