Hobbies and Healing

By Ferree Hardy

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The title this month—“Hobbies and Healing”—is not a mistake. But I understand if it takes you by surprise. Who would think that a column called “Widow’s Path” would talk about hobbies? Wouldn’t that be frivolous? After all, hearts are heavy and wounded. Hobbies might seem silly.

But during grief, when we suffer the loss of a loved one, we simply cannot endlessly maintain grief’s emotional roller-coaster ride. It’s exhausting. We need an escape. We need to slow down, rest, and remember what fun feels like. Likewise, our physical body demands a break from the constant drain of grief. Hobbies can provide much-needed rest, and rest leads to healing. That’s hardly frivolous.

Dennis Disselkoen, in his book Losing a Spouse: A Widower’s Way—Help in Coping During Her Last Days and in the Days Ahead, wrote:

“Every one of us has been given talent, skills, insights, and abilities that we can develop, and we please God when we do develop them. There are interests that each person may pursue for his or her enjoyment and betterment. Pursuing these may also be helpful in coping with loss—not merely as diversions or distractions, but as worthwhile activities in themselves.”

If you are a widow or widower, don’t you agree that an activity that provides some rejuvenation and relaxation would be worthwhile? When sleep is scarce and thoughts are too foggy and scattered, devoting some time to a hobby helps with recovery.

Making Time for a Hobby

Finding time for a hobby is challenging in many ways. We all work! We work hard! Free time seems impossible for a young widow with a house full of children. For older widows, it might seem impossible that anything could lessen the feelings of fear, loneliness, and vulnerability. Don’t go down the hole of helplessness. Read on for ways that hobbies have helped some of my widow friends.

For the younger widows, hobbies can take the form of activities to do together with the children. Did you learn how to garden, sew, or cook from your mother? Why not look at these chores as pleasurable hobbies instead? Each one is actually an art and skill that will bring your children great benefit and satisfaction as they grow.

Nap times or finding a babysitter for an afternoon might also provide some free time for young widows. Do you remember all the people who told you to call them if there was anything they could do? Call them now to get the rest and spare time you need to develop your talents and abilities.

Finding an Interesting Hobby

My husband Tom, who was widowed at age 40, would have said that nothing interested him—hobbies sounded boring. His idea of a hobby was stamp collecting. I agree—that wouldn’t sound too interesting to a man who loved boating and snowmobiles! But  Tom walked for miles each evening and enjoyed building things with his 10-year-old son. Those activities may also be considered as hobbies. Think of a hobby as simply doing anything you enjoy.

Hobbies are good for grieving children too. They need time to be a child, to explore and play; hobbies are good for that. Eight to ten-year-olds are especially

curious and interested in collecting and identifying things. You might not appreciate a child’s bug collection, but other things like coins, rocks, arrowheads, baseball cards, fishing lures, stickers, or storybooks might provide some common interests. Do you have a coin collection, a scrapbook, or a treasured rock with veins of fool’s gold in it from when you were a child? Share them with your children and grandchildren to build both their knowledge and your relationship.

What do you collect now? When I was widowed, an uncle gave me a milk bottle from “Ferree Dairy.” My collection of milk bottles numbers only three, but I enjoy hunting for “Ferree’s” when visiting old shops. Christina, in Florida, said, “I collect Coca-Cola memorabilia. It was something my husband, Bobby, started before we met in 1998. I have continued his collection. I love going to thrift and antique stores looking for a new treasure.”

What catches your attention these days? Do you have a bird feeder or sunflowers for the birds? Can you identify all your visitors? Then maybe your hobby is birdwatching! Do you knit or crochet? My friend Missy crocheted a king-size blanket in moss stitch. She said, “It took me seven years to complete. When my life seemed to be unraveling, I would crochet on the blanket. I was making tangled balls of yarn into something new.” Is your life unraveling, too? A hobby can bring a sense of purpose and order as you see something good and useful forming out of a mess of tangles.

Hobbies help us feel alive and not so isolated. Marilyn, who planted over forty-two hosta plants and other perennials this summer, told me she gardens “to keep her hands in the soil and her brain enjoying the beauty of nature.”

Hobbies as Creative Outlets

Hobbies are also creative outlets for God-given talents. They’re much better than pacing the floor or tossing in bed when you can’t sleep. Sandra, a widow in Texas, told me, “I love to make greeting cards. I can get lost in the creativity of it all. It brings me joy.” Lynne in New Jersey said, “Learning how to make yeast breads and pastry dough has unleashed my creativity.” Teri in North Carolina stated that pottery, painting, and sewing serve as creative outlets for her. Donna, another widow in Texas, paints colorful pictures. “Painting has helped me — mostly by keeping the loneliness from overwhelming me. It helps relax me, keeps my mind on other things, and fills the time.”

Has your hobby helped you heal from grief? Does your hobby make you feel connected, help you find new friends, or provide fellowship, a sense of sanity, coziness, and stability? Does it help you see a world beyond your current burden? Here are some other hobbies and helpful interests suggested by my friend Teri. “Travel, because it enlarges my vision and enables me to spend time and make memories with my grandchildren and daughters. Book clubs, because I get to know others and their opinions and

personalities. And I have an accountability partner; we can be vulnerable with each other, encourage, and teach one another.”

If you’ve not yet found a hobby, explore a variety of your interests. There’s no such thing as failing at a hobby, but they do have the right time and place. For example, I wanted to start scrapbooking a few weeks after Bruce died. But when I tried, it was too overwhelming. I gave myself permission to quit. A few years later, I did make a scrapbook, but it was about a vacation, not my first weeks of widowhood.

In the early days of grief, most widows just need to recover. It’s OK to do nothing but stare out the window at times. Your brain and body need that kind of rest. Then, when you’re ready for the next step, an enjoyable hobby can help. //

Until next month,

ferree

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Ferree Hardy has helped thousands of widows through her book, “Postcards from the Widows’ Path,” small groups, speaking, and personal coaching, but touching one life at a time is what matters most to her. She holds a BA from Moody Bible Institute, and was a pastor’s wife in Ohio for over twenty years before her first husband died. She’s happily remarried now, and her readers know that moving seems to have become a hobby for her. But she also enjoys backyard chickens, aims to read fifty books a year, and loves to bake. Learn more by visiting her blog.