Grieving Widows Must Also Rebuild
The widow's path
Words by Ferree Hardy
There's grief, and there's widowhood. Is there a difference between the two? Obviously, many people experience grief, but only a widow (or widower) experiences widowhood. Do you think the grief of widowhood is different than grief in general?
I sure do! People grieve over losing a loved one, and grieve deeply, but when that loved one was your spouse you are left with the task of rebuilding your life.
I'm going to let that sink in a bit. Rebuilding? Really?
Do you agree? Do you face an unknown future? Have your plans and dreams pretty much turned to ash? Do you feel lost and like half of you is missing? Do you hesitate about the next step you should take? We have to deal with these questions because we need to begin to rebuild.
Rebuilding a life is a huge project and differs widely amongst widows. But there’s an Old Testament man who could show us a thing or two about starting over. If you feel lonely and out-of-place, surrounded by possible dangers, unwelcomed, or overwhelmed at times, please read on about Nehemiah.
Nehemiah was far from home. He and most of the other Israelites were exiled to the land of Babylon. Nehemiah was employed as cupbearer to King Artaxerxes so he had the inside story on the Babylonian empire and news from afar. When he heard that his beloved city Jerusalem was trampled and the walls were a heap of rubble, his heart broke. He bravely requested leave of the king to return home and rebuild those walls.
Miraculously, the king let Nehemiah go. He traveled hundreds of dangerous miles to Jerusalem at great cost. But Nehemiah got little thanks for coming to the rescue, even though he brought his own building supplies! Enemies of Jerusalem stirred up conspiracies, jealousy and murder threats against him. They complicated every step and tried to sabotage every move.
I hope your days aren’t that bad, but Nehemiah’s story reminds me that whether we’re rebuilding walls or rebuilding a life after loss, we, too, have enemies. A widow friend told me this about her experience: “…about four weeks after my husband’s passing I went from having a monthly income to zero income. My landlord told my daughter and me to move out and sent us a certified letter with some very threatening language.”
Other widows have had employers try to weasel them out of due benefits; sometimes relatives circle the estate like sharks. Health issues, extra expenses, house repairs, or the kids getting sassy and disrespectful are all problems that can help us relate to Nehemiah’s problems. Does it seem like the cares of life are cresting against you, too?
Here was Nehemiah’s solution: “But we prayed to our God and posted a guard day and night to meet this threat.” (Neh. 4:9)
“Guard your hearts,” says Proverbs 4:23.
When we are occupied and working hard on rebuilding, like Nehemiah we need to post a guard. Ask your family, friends, neighbors, and others to help guard you with their prayers and watchfulness. You're not asking for rescue or pity (most widows hate pity!), you're just plainly asking them to faithfully pray for you. In turn you can be a guard for other widows while they, too, rebuild.
A widow in Wisconsin commented on my website and agreed that widowhood equals rebuilding. “Widowhood is a total rebuilding of one's life,” she said. “This is tiring at times. God has grown my faith and my love for Him immensely in the last years. He has shown His faithfulness in awesome ways and has even used tragedy to bless others. Yet facing life's issues without a spouse makes me feel more vulnerable, lonely and discouraged at times even though I know the Lord is with me every step. Somehow it seems even more difficult to ask for prayer now because I’m five years into the process. I think we widows fear coming across as whiny. Prayer is exactly what we need, however.”
Another widow went on to say, “As a widow I sometimes feel like I am in exile in a strange land, but I believe that is part of being a Christian too. I’m so blessed and grateful that God included in His word to us widows to fear not, for He is as a husband to us. (Isaiah 54:4-5) Sometimes I fuss at God just like I did at my husband, but I am always calling and depending upon Him for grace, strength and wisdom to take another step.”
Like Nehemiah, “calling and depending on God…” and posting a guard of praying friends around you provides the strongest and best framework for rebuilding a life. Its lonely work but you’re never alone if you know the Lord. Nehemiah was passionate about serving God and living a pure and obedient life. God blessed him in ways the world of his day did not recognize or honor, but Nehemiah remained true to his mission and we can all learn a lot from his example.
May God grant you the wisdom and determination of Nehemiah. “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” Proverbs 14:1
Until next month,
ferree
