“Will you get married again, mom?” one of my children asked me the night before Bruce’s funeral. Yes!—the night before the funeral!
I was startled and caught completely off guard. Romance and remarriage were the furthest things from my tattered mind that day.
“No,” I whispered, firmly shaking my head. I was pretty sure I was sealing my future, and I was fine with that. No one could replace my husband. My child’s question was justified, though; after all, if I had a new husband, they’d have a new dad. They had a right to ask.
Since then, I’ve discovered that a widowed person’s possible remarriage is a question many people are interested in. Some will even say at the funeral, “You’re young, you’ll get married again.” I suppose they mean it as a comfort, but it’s like barging in and throwing salt on an open wound. Others take the opposite extreme; they don’t say a peep, but you know they’re watching.
As if losing your spouse isn’t enough, suddenly, the widowed person is on stage—the star of a sad, sad story while people watch and take notes. I was truly blessed with a church family who didn’t do that. Occasionally though, others wanted to play matchmaker. One time a very distant relative even called to tell me he’d had a vision of who I would marry! (I’m so glad he was wrong.)
Considering remarriage is truly very awkward for all widowed people. It’d be so nice if all of this could be done in private. If only the widowed person’s life wasn’t so interesting to everyone! But there’s always the gossip grapevine. So let’s bring some balance and rationale to the conversation by looking at three viewpoints. Focus on these things, never mind the grapevine.
Scriptures on Remarriage
The Bible says remarriage is usually alright for widowed people as long as they are both in the faith. (See 1 Timothy 5). However, the Apostle Paul wrote that it’s “good to stay unmarried.” (1 Corinthians 7:8). Therefore, remaining single is alright too. Remarriage isn’t mandatory. Widowed people have a choice. If you want to get remarried, that’s fine; but it might be better not to remarry. I’m sorry if that evaporates romance and roses from our ideas of remarriage, but a second marriage must be approached a little differently. This time you won’t be starting from scratch. Instead, you’ll be combining two estates. You’ll probably have children, property, businesses, and the experiences of your first marriage to blend in. This is where people in your community can help.
Other People’s Opinions
I am all for people minding their own business, but there are some you should listen to when considering remarriage. Confer with trusted adult family members who know you well and will put your best interests first. If they are alarmed at the thought of your remarriage—or by the person you want to marry—calmly ask for their reasons. Often, they can see things that you cannot. With repeated conversations, work through these things before making a commitment. If you’re reluctant to listen to them, ask yourself what causes that reluctance.
Consider the children still at home. Listen carefully to any concerns. Make sure they feel they are not hurting you if they speak freely. Imagine how to pause and give weight to what they say. Take their negativity into consideration, but above all, seek God’s peace. God can use their callousness to strengthen your faith and commitment and buy some needed time. Generally, it’s good to get through the first year of widowhood before making any irreversible decisions. There should be no pressure to rush into marriage.
Your Own Opinion
You matter most of all. Know yourself well. I often tell my widow friends that if they had a good marriage and knew their part in making that happen, they would be a wonderful wife for just about any man on the planet. BUT—I add—not just any man will be a wonderful husband for them. They must carefully consider their choices.
I’m not saying that there’s only one man meant for one woman. I agree with one of my former pastors who said that although that’s how it was for Adam and Eve, for the rest of us, that’d be illogical. Think about it: if God created only one person in the world to be your one true love, then it would take only one person to marry the wrong person, and mess up the whole system. Marriage isn’t romantic magic: it’s a loving commitment.
Do you want to remarry? Are you ready to remarry? If you’re so lonely that you’re desperate to remarry, then you’re not ready. That’s not love, and it’s not fair to the other person. Be patient. A bad marriage is worse than widowhood, and your community can help spare you from it.
My Story
Some people decide not to remarry. That’s what I did. I wanted to move forward with my life. I went back to school to train for a career, and I found house plans for my future home. I began to feel a little bit happier and a lot more hopeful. Yet, something still wasn’t settled. I felt a growing discontentment.
To counteract it, I committed to pray for contentment. But God didn’t answer; the discontent got worse. In my book, I relate the almost comical scene of me figuratively knocking on heaven’s door, begging Him to speak. I say comical, but really my heart was breaking. It’s a hard chapter in life when God is silent. I resolutely kept praying anyway.
Several months later, God led me to a widower, Tom Hardy, who eventually asked me to marry him. February 17 is the anniversary of his proposal. Without my knowledge, he’d made sure that my three children were home, and he asked me right in front of them! I was so surprised! We’d talked, but I hadn’t expected him to move so quickly. I said, “Yes,” but then I burst into tears and ran up to my bedroom. There, by myself, relief from all the stress of widowhood flooded me. Then Tom burst through the door, and I bawled in his arms for about twenty minutes. Tom didn’t know what to think, but we’ve both been bearing with and loving each other ever since.
Remarriage doesn’t solve everything; in fact, we found that it created challenges we never expected. We had to commit to never compare each other to our first spouses, to refrain from blame and regret, and to equip our marriage with Christian retreats and seminars. Tom went from a lifetime in his hometown to moving and changing jobs several times. I dropped out of graduate school and began writing for widows. I wouldn’t be writing to you today without him, and he wouldn’t have had so many interesting moves and jobs without me.
Getting married again isn’t for everyone. But if you are considering it, follow what the Bible says about remarriage. Ask for the counsel of family and friends who know you well. Pray and patiently wait until you and that right person are really ready. God never fails. Whether you marry or remain single, He loves you and has given you a good purpose on the widows’ path.
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Ferree Hardy has helped thousands of widows through her book, “Postcards from the Widows’ Path,” small groups, speaking, and personal coaching, but touching one life at a time is what matters most to her. She holds a BA from Moody Bible Institute, and was a pastor’s wife in Ohio for over twenty years before her first husband died. She’s happily remarried now, and her readers know that moving seems to have become a hobby for her. But she also enjoys backyard chickens, aims to read fifty books a year, and loves to bake. Learn more by visiting her blog.