Words by Mark Gregston
If there was some action that you could take that might change the destiny of your family ...would you take it?
If there was something that you could do to make everyone in your family feel a sense of value and importance ... would you do it?
If you could take hold of the hearts of your kids, your spouse, your parents, or your neighbors and let them know of your love for them, just by doing one thing ... would you grab it?
And, if you had the ability to create an atmosphere where YOU would be heard ... are you willing to take a chance to make that happen?
Here it is ... that one simple but hard, easy but difficult, and challenging "thing" is this: Listen.
I have spent my life working with teens, meeting with their families, and helping parents connect and reconnect with their family members. I live with 60 high school kids at the Heartlight program that my wife Jan and I started 35 years ago; a haven of hope for struggling teens. It's really become a place of restoration for thousands of families since its inception, and I've metwith thousands of moms and dads, teens, and even grandparents along the way, helping them learn that one thing that could "change it all" ... it's learning to listen.
We live in a world where people have quit listening to one another because they're so busy and caught up in the minutia of life that they spend more time "spouting" than they do actually trying to hear what the other person is saying and wanting to communicate.
I see this over and over in the lives of families. The common denominator of "not listening" to one another trumps the opportunity for connection, thus the conduit for the transfer of wisdom, family values, and beliefs gets broken and there's barely a trickle of wisdom that waters the heart with hope and understanding.
This has been shown to me in several ways.
A wife that has learned that it's better to keep your mouth shut than take a chance of communicating true thoughts and ideas.
A husband that gives up and retreats in conversations because he's tired of not being listened to when he shares the values that have made him the man that he is.
A son who rebels, starts acting out, and looks "elsewhere" for that listening ear. He gives up any religious training or upbringing in hopes of finding that "one special ear" that is concerned (and interested) in his heart.
A daughter who abandons any hope of a relationship with a Mom or Dad who loves her dearly, because of a feeling that her words spoken from her heart don't really mean anything to those she cares for.
A grandparent who is ignored but longs to share their life stories with family so that traditions and values can be passed on, and wisdom gathered through a lifetime of experiences can be shared.
We all see the need. And if we could just quit doing "some things" then the door would be open for this trait of "listening" to rise to the top and become a character trait that creates the atmosphere for the listener to be heard. That's right. Become the greatest listener, and you'll become one that all want to hear from.
Here are some habits that keep listening from happening, ones that you should think about and determine if some of these conducts and behaviors are things that you do to prevent those around you from being heard.
Interrupting. Are you one who can't wait for someone to finish sharing their thoughts so you can jump in with your comments, cutting off others, and basically saying, "Your thoughts don't matter ... but mine do!" This is a killer of conversations. Remember the scripture, "Consider others to be more important than yourself." It will change the way you listen.
Listening to Reply, Not to Understand. Are you the type that spends more time thinking about what you're going to say next rather than hearing, and understanding, what the other is saying?
Take your time. Listen fully. And then respond.
Be a Know it All. If you already know everything, then there's really no need for you to have a discussion with anyone ... you already know it all. Remember the proverb, "Even a fool appears wise when they keep their mouth shut." You may know a lot, so spend time getting to know the one who is sharing with you.
Always Teaching a Lesson. Some parents feel that in every teachable moment, there needs to be a lesson. That's not true. I'm not saying you shouldn't be "training up a child," but you might want to consider spreading those lessons out. A child, of any age, needs a listener far more than they need someone who is always teaching the "next lesson."
Trying to Fix Everything. Dads usually do this quite a bit. Just as women are wired to talk, men are wired to fix things. And sometimes we feel that the need to "fix" is more important than just listening to what's being said. If you're like me, I'm always looking for the answer and feel the need to fix everything immediately. A couple of months ago as I was listening (so I thought) to my wife sharing, I jumped up to give her the "answer." She said this to me: "Mark, I really don't need you to fix this ... I just wanted you to listen to me." Enough said.
If you carry one of these traits, you might want to double-check and make sure they're not getting in the way of connecting communication within your home. You may be missing something, and not even know it. "Lord, search me, and see if there are any hurtful ways..."
Those behaviors that you don't like seeing in those around you, might just be a response to something that you are doing that's not giving them the ear that they long to have. And if that loved one around you is struggling, remember that the behavior you see is the visible expression of the invisible issue in their life. They may just want someone to listen to them. And that person might just be you.
So do this. Do some self-reflection. Determine if there is a need for you to be a better listener. And if you don't really know, ask them. There's no harm or love lost in asking family members about how you come across. It might just open the door for them to start sharing the deeper things about their life, about how they feel, and what they think about. Ask them!
If you desire to have deeper relationships with your family, and long for future opportunities to influence those around you, then become to others how you would want them to be to you. You'll learn this. People listen to those that listen to them.
What you'll find is a pathway to deeper relationships, more meaningful conversations, and a connection with those you love that might just last a lifetime. There are those in your family that want you to be the one to lend an ear. Give it a shot. See what happens. And whatever you do ...listen.
Mark Gregston began working with teens more than 40 years ago as a youth minister and Young Life director. He and his wife Jan founded Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teams and families in crisis. He has authored nearly two dozen books, has written hundreds of articles, and is host of the nationally acclaimed Parenting Today’s Teens podcast and radio broadcast, heard on over 1,900 radio outlets throughout North America.
I’m feeling convicted here! Always thought that I was a good listener but there are definitely some areas where I need improvement. Thank you for the insight.