Children’s Grief Awareness
Words by Ferree Hardy
An old saying goes something like this: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
This applies to children too. Have you ever babysat for a little one who wanted to cling to you and cry, cry, cry—or for those who pushed and poked their playmates? They all might have been fighting a hard battle we knew nothing about.
My heart wrenched when one widowed mom shared that her three-year-old was alone in the room with Daddy when he died. Can you imagine if you were in that child’s shoes? Please pray for her and her mom.
Many children carry a heavy burden of grief. “Before they graduate from high school, one child out of every 20 children will have a parent die—and that number doesn’t include those who experience the death of a brother or sister, a close grandparent, aunt, uncle, or friend.” (www.childrensgriefawarenessday.org).
Highmark Caring Place—A Center for Grieving Children, Adolescents and Their Families, with locations in Camp Hill, Warrendale, Erie, and Pittsburgh, PA created “Children’s Grief Awareness Day.” This year it’s on November 16. Occurring the third Thursday of each November, it helps individuals and organizations around the world to support grieving children.
Let’s touch on three basics about childhood grief: children do grieve; their grief is intermittent and developmental; the family needs to talk about it.
Children Do Grieve
Have you ever experienced “brain fog?” It’s a term for the fuzzy thinking and indecisiveness that often accompanies grief. Children can experience it too. If they tell you, “I don’t know,” they really might not know! Depression is also possible; some children and teens even think about suicide. Other changes in behavior like wanting to be more quiet and alone, or the opposite—acting out in rage or irresponsibility—can happen. Sleep problems: insomnia, nightmares, bed-wetting, or waking up with anxiety may occur.
“Don’t be surprised if they manifest physical symptoms of their grief,” a widowed mom in Oregon told me. Her oldest daughter ran on a track team, and the coach noticed that she would get injured quite easily. “Grief really does change the chemistry of your brain. I wish I’d paid more attention to that,” she said.
Tummy aches, headaches, and fear that the other parent might die are not unusual symptoms. Some children wonder if the death was their fault. Preschoolers sense that family life is very different; they cry more and want to be held more often.
In an attempt to comfort, people tell children confusing things about death. Myra, a widow I’ve often referred to, said that her two little girls were told that Daddy was “watching over them.” Her daughters could hardly sleep, wondering if he was peeking in their windows. Words we use with children need to be appropriate for their age-level and way of thinking.
Younger children think very literally. If you tell them that their mama or papa “went to sleep in heaven,” they might not understand that death is permanent. They will look for the parent to wake up and return. For more information, there is a helpful video at Griefshare.com/children.One point that’s emphasized is the need to be honest with the child, but in a way that is at theirlevel.
A young widow named Jackie shared this example of how someone spoke honestly to her little girl, but did not speak to her age-level:
“My daughter lost her dad when she was three. I was nervous about how to tell her, so the hospital sent a therapist to the house to help. We all sat in a circle (my sisters and sisters-in-law, too); we anticipated how we would navigate this news to my daughter. Then the therapist easily blurted out, “Honey, your dad is dead. Are you ok?”
I was horrified, and so mad!! “That’s how you tell a child?” I fumed. Because she was so young,and she and I were so close, we clung to each other. She never did therapy. She is now 13 …healthy and happy. We talk about him a lot … and I am not afraid to get help if needed—just not from that lady from the hospital!”
A Child’s Grief is Intermittent and Developmental
What we see in a grieving child is that he or she is sad one minute and racing out the door to play with friends the next. We might think, “I guess they’re alright.” However, as they grow up, their grief can resurface, or be triggered by events.
“My sons were 13 and 17 when we lost their dad. I got them in for grief counseling as soon as I could. One thing that the counselor said to me that really stuck was that when children experience loss, at each new stage of life … they realize yet another layer to the loss … they will re-experience the grief again on a different level. That really resonated with me as they went through milestones such as graduations, and going to college minus their dad … and someday marriages, and the birth of children.” - Pam W.
“Anna was 12, Ben was 10, and Kitana was 7 (going on 4 with her developmental disabilities). I would say that their grief changes; with each developmental stage it’s so different. I’ve had to learn to let them process it in their own way, and not impose what I feel they should be feeling, doing, or saying...
The older my son gets, the more he’s willing to talk about it; whereas Anna was always willing to go to a counsellor and talk about it. I just kind of have to let them do it the way they know to do it best.
I don’t know if I’d advise that for every family; I think some families would be better if supervised by a counsellor. But for us, I just kind of had to take their lead on it.” - Amy G.
You’re Still a Family—Talk About It
Even though an important member of the family is gone, the family is still a family. Life is very different, and new routines and roles must be adapted; but please don’t expect the oldest boy to be “the man of the house,” nor the oldest girl to fill in for her mother. Instead—even though it’s so discouraging to keep asking—persistently look to extended family, your church, and community for support.
“Encourage continued church attendance. It was hard. I cried every service. But it was where we all needed to be.” - Rhonda
Your church pastor or denomination might have access to help for your children that you won’tfind out about unless you ask. Additionally, make sure you receive the help you need. “...I should have started working on myself with a counselor as soon as he died.” - Andrea
“My children were 16, 14, 10, and 8 years old when my husband, Pete, drowned. We attended grief counseling as a family… I’m not really sure if, or how, it helped—except maybe knowing we weren’t alone—that there were other families in the same predicament… Other than that, I always made a point to talk about him, to laugh about him, to remember good times and bad times—to share with my children that it was OK to feel the way they were feeling—whether it be angry, sad, or happy.” - Pauline M.
“I was 14 when my dad died. My mother did not talk about it with us at all. Not when it happened, (except to tell us he had died), and certainly not after … To sweep it under the rug and ignore it was tough. I feel like talking is of utmost importance; otherwise it is easy to bury your feelings. Oh, how different the journey would have been if there was communication!” - Paula
Conclusion
Many adults admit, “I’m still carrying the grief from when my parent died.” As children, like Paula, they weren’t given the chance to talk about it. Perhaps “Children’s Grief Awareness Day” will bring about a time when children do not have to manage their grief alone.
However, if you or your children are grieving, or if this article has triggered some unresolved grief from your past, you might be wondering where to turn. Next month we’ll take a closer look at the various help that these widows found, and more. For now, though, you are moving forward by acknowledging that young hearts do grieve; that grief is intermittent and developmental—it may resurface at various life stages; and that we all need to talk with our families and our communities.
Until next month then, please be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle—children, too.
Ferree